I'm back

Well here I am sitting in my dining room on a cool windy afternoon, warm inside, listening to the Wall. I’m watching vehicles drive by my house through open blinds, over the melted ice-covered streets, the sky grey yet hopeful bits of blue sky hanging around the edges. My cat being bothersome sitting on the table, not caring that I’m trying to shoosh her off, her attention caught by something moving outside the window. My third cup of coffee, the door shutting from my brother who’s going out to do some random errand, prob just for something to do. Oh yeah going to get some money out for a movie I’m going to drop him off at to see later. My phone trying to catch my attention, maybe there’s someone messaging me, maybe there’s an interesting post on some social media platform trying to ty up my mind into something totally random. Kitty now getting in my face, her problem is more important to whatever I’m doing so I must deal with it or get a claw or two, maybe a bite, ok then.

Ok, back to writing, the Sun finally came out, warming my plants in the living room and my heart. Anyways, I’ve been unemployed for a few months now and am holding out for a few jobs that I have applied for, not that I couldn’t have gotten a job by now but I want to use my education. Something to make that student loan worth it, I almost wanted to apply to go back to school on some 2-year college and 2-year university gig, then I thought of being broke for the next four or five years and I just can’t do it, not now at least. I brought my roommate Justin out for dinner and a movie last night for his birthday. We went to this Chinese food buffet and as we were walking in there was a crowd of people going in and I knew I should have pulled him away and went someplace else but didn’t. He was upset because they ate most of the food by the time we got to it, I joked that it was like trying to eat after the Klumps at a buffet. He wasn’t impressed and I wanted to leave but the waitress talked me into waiting a few minutes for more food that was on its way out. It turned out ok. The restaurant was full, a group of older people talking about going to Germany and not wanting to go to the concentration camps, a few Asians who I heard the world fag in one of their stories, a group of younger white guys who gave us blank stares when we passed them and a bi racial couple who had an issue of payment, I was thinking just pay for the pretty white chick don’t be a tight Indian. Justin looking miserable as usual, me telling crazy stories to drown out the others and to liven up the dinner. Then we went to see Joker, I like that movie, it was my second time seeing it. I thought maybe he wouldn’t really like it but after the movie he turned to me and said, “That was good!”. So I was happy he did. It gave us something to talk about after, about how messed up society is and that people are going to start taking a stand against this corrupt world falling to pieces, or at least we hope it will.

As I lay in my bed trying to wake up without an alarm, I received a message from a friend, a gay friend, well I actually I received it last night before the movie as we were waiting to go in. So, it was actually a continuation. He is from a town close to my city, anyways he was looking for company to visit, maybe, I was thinking he wanted more, they always want more. We messaged and I asked how was his night, he was hungover. I told him if he thinks he got pregnant, he laughed. We ended up getting pretty deep into convo, he told me about how he was upset with the circumstances of his life, I kept prodding at him like the nosey guy I am and got him to tell me what was bothering him. Justin told me but I wanted to hear for myself. Things in his life since the summer had turned upside down, family member almost dying, beaten by ex-lover, and getting robbed. Then he told me his dad isn’t the nicest person to him, doesn’t accept him and he feels life sucks. I keep joking with him then the convo is over and no more messages. It’s a dynamic that all people that live different lives from the norm talk about and experience on a different level, acceptance, it’s a common theme we all chat about. Some people come out of the gate, with an IDGAF attitude and suffer the consequences, some keep it to themselves and live condemned, others can’t help it but just go through life and if people know they know. In the end no matter how far we think we’ve come as a society, it will always be an issue, at home, with friends and family and especially at work.

I take a break, make some noodles, my brother comes home and I continue with my laundry. When you don’t have work to do it’s a weird life of doing things when you remember them, when you’re working it seems like you always forget or don’t have time, but when your unemployed there’s always time and stuff to do, it’s just a matter if you want to or not. Stuff like why I haven’t published any of my writing, photo’s or any kind of work since I left college to which I have to say, I don’t know. I feel like I lost my way, before I went to college, I was so hyped about wanting to make a change, to show people who didn’t know what was going on. I thought that if I could explain and show them why the world and people were so fucked that it would change their minds and we could gather together and make that change. In the end, I felt burnt out and disillusioned and embarrassed and basically pissed off at everyone and mostly myself. People don’t care, you could show them exactly why the world sucks and they wouldn’t care, no one cares. Something I remember my class mates yelling at me from down the hall one day, as I passed them, they were all quiet and nice then from down the hall “no one cares!” I yelled back “fuck you!” but I think they were right, no one really does care. This I saw as I tried to gather news stories and no one would cooperate, the fear. Then trying to take pictures and people afraid of who will see, just a world full of people afraid, of the unknown, of the truth, of each other and of themselves. Well even though it’s been awhile I’m back and will be publishing more and getting back into the flow of trying to create, expose and just post things from life. Not the drunken make no sense things on social media, but things that people might and should know, maybe some music maybe a video, maybe now or maybe never, we’ll see. I think it’s time for a walk.